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Last week for May 4th, I posted a downloadable about Overcoming the Darkness. This week, I want to share about why it’s also vital to embrace your darkness or shadow self.
Confession, I am naturally drawn to so-called dark things. Nighttime walks are my favorite. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Skulls decorate my house. I’ve been in depressive states often enough to know that it can get comfortable. That’s not to say that everyone’s depression looks the same, but mine tends to have an aura of death. I’m also a kid at heart, which is why my Wizard 101 character (a fantastic game I started playing with my kids) is death.
When I think of darkness and embracing it, some of the things that come to the top of my mind are, “The Sound of Silence,” by Simon and Garfunkel, and Thich Nhat Hanh.
One of Thich Nhat Hanh’s best pieces of wisdom is, “No mud, no lotus.” He even wrote a book about it. In it, he teaches us how to “suffer well” so that when we do suffer, we can use it in a way to help us suffer less.
Just as there are nutrients in mud for flowers to grow, there are nutrients in your mind for your soul to grow and blossom. But you can’t blossom without first planting yourself in the mud. In the darkness. That’s why therapy, meditation, and hypnosis are so powerful. They allow you to search the mud of your mind and examine or dig up the roots of your pain and suffering. Doing this can help you get closer to your shadow-self.
Most of us don’t like our shadow-selves. They are the part of us that think bad or harmful thoughts or compare ourselves to others. Our shadow-selves are the parts of us that eat too much or too little when we’re depressed or stressed, get angry when things don’t go our way, become jealous when a friend or colleague seems to succeed in all the places you’ve tried so hard to succeed in but haven’t yet. They might drink too much, say hurtful things, and wish bad things to happen to others.
Often, my mud is filled with the fear of failure and being perceived as stupid. This causes a lot of depression and anxiety in my life. I have moments, days, and months when I can fully embrace my dreams and work toward my goals. But when things don’t go as I’d hoped or even when they do, I start to hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me to “Get off your high horse and come back down here with the rest of us! Stop thinking you can be like those people. Our lives are not meant to be that grand. We’re stuck here.”
Then these kinds of thoughts swirl in my head like a tornado and threaten to tear apart every good thing in my life; Who am I to think I could ever do anything this bold? I don’t deserve a life like that. That kind of life is for other people. Not me. I’m not supposed to like my life or my job. Things will always be hard. I will always be poor.
I go into panic mode and get anxious and angry over little things. I think about how stupid I must look to everyone. I forget how far I have made it on my own. And I forget to be grateful for the things I have and to show love to the people I care the most about. This is my shadow-self acting out, instead of me embracing it.
Dive into the mud
This is when I know it’s time to look at my darkness and really dive deep into the mud. When I do, I remember that I am strong for having overcome so many hardships. I remember that I don’t need to listen to my mother, and that I can be who I want to be and live a life I want to live because I have done it already.
I have already emerged from the mud before. I know I can do it again. And this time I can blossom bigger and more beautiful because of that awareness.
But I only know this because I spent some time wallowing in the darkness. When I feel shame or anger at myself for overreacting in an argument with my husband or saying something mean to my kids, I try to bring a level of kindness to that darkness, and accept and understand that I’m struggling. When I do this, I notice an immediate shift; I feel better and happier and can focus on my dreams and my husband and kids more.
I recognise these times as periods of growth. For better or worse. And if I only focus on the “worse” aspect and only water the seeds of suffering, then the darkness and the mud consume me and there is no transformational growth. When taken together, mud + love + light = transformation. There is no growth without mud, rain, and sunshine. No mud, no lotus.
My shadow monster might come out sometimes, but accepting this is the only way to freedom. Embrace your shadow monster. Consider it a friend; one that is there to help remind you of your full range of emotions and the fact that you have the power within you to transform into something beautiful.
Your shadow-self is always there
Remember that your shadow-self is always there, no matter how much we try to ignore it. But it can become much less frightening if we take the time to get to know it and understand it. Doing this can help us feel less shame, guilt, anger, resentment, about things that we did, or things that happened to us — all those things that keep us up at night.
We must acknowledge our hearts’ longings and pain, and understand that without delving into the mud, we can’t have the lotus. The mud is the path. Joy and peace are born from opening our heart to the struggle. It may knock us down for a while, but the more we resist, judge, or hate our shadow-selves, the more stuck in the mud we become.
When I’m in a dark place, I know it’s not the end of the world; it’s part of life. I also know that positive change is on its way. I know that my life is transforming and that growth is occurring.
I try to accept the process, and accept myself even when I don’t think I can accept the process. After all, I’m human.
We are not “wrong” if we feel less than our best sometimes, despite what we may have read.
Being in a dark place does not mean the world will fall apart. It is the source of our growth. And the first step to growth is realizing it’s part of the process, and that it’s okay. It is only in acceptance that we can let go and move on to better feelings and better experiences.
Everything is impermanent
Remember, there is no light without darkness. Let “No mud, no lotus” be a reminder to help us see that suffering is transformational and gives us the possibility to bloom and helps us to show up with a courage in our hearts, kindness, acceptance, and love.
If you want to learn more about embracing your darkness, check out the FREE worksheet I created to do just that!
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